Handling Difficult People
From the school playground to the office we all encounter individuals who we find hard to get on with. They may be bullies or always seem to disagree with whatever we say. In any meeting they also appear to reject our ideas and even to blame us for doing the same to them. Ignoring them may solve the problem but in school as in work that is not always possible. The challenging person may be your boss or a colleague who you need to get on with at least sufficiently to work together. "Every business has its Dementors" as one consultant put it.
Our immediate reaction is to assume that the other person (a) has it in for us personally and (b) needs to change their behaviour towards us. In other words there is something wrong in their make up as it is applied to us.
This is the wrong starting point. In the first place it is unlikely that we are the sole recipient of this to us unwanted behaviour. It may be there is some personal antagonism. I remember two boys at my primary school in Zambia who were always fighting, often for no good reason. However it is more likely that the individual concerned behaves like this to everybody else. If he or she is overbearing and bossy or always nitpicking and finding fault then you can bet they do it with everyone. The mistake is to assume that we can change that person's behaviour. It is probably deep rooted and bringing about this sort of profound change in somebody's character is both extremely difficult and potentially dangerous. It is silly to rush in where psychologists would tread warily.
What we can do is to understand and adjust our reaction to that person. We can behave differently. We can refuse to be intimidated or bullied or to have our nights or weekend ruined by fretting over this personal conflict. We can make a conscious decision to acknowledge the difficult behaviour, not seek to change the person, but determine how we will react. We can behave like adults not children - see Games People Play by Eric Berne.
Our immediate reaction is to assume that the other person (a) has it in for us personally and (b) needs to change their behaviour towards us. In other words there is something wrong in their make up as it is applied to us.
This is the wrong starting point. In the first place it is unlikely that we are the sole recipient of this to us unwanted behaviour. It may be there is some personal antagonism. I remember two boys at my primary school in Zambia who were always fighting, often for no good reason. However it is more likely that the individual concerned behaves like this to everybody else. If he or she is overbearing and bossy or always nitpicking and finding fault then you can bet they do it with everyone. The mistake is to assume that we can change that person's behaviour. It is probably deep rooted and bringing about this sort of profound change in somebody's character is both extremely difficult and potentially dangerous. It is silly to rush in where psychologists would tread warily.
What we can do is to understand and adjust our reaction to that person. We can behave differently. We can refuse to be intimidated or bullied or to have our nights or weekend ruined by fretting over this personal conflict. We can make a conscious decision to acknowledge the difficult behaviour, not seek to change the person, but determine how we will react. We can behave like adults not children - see Games People Play by Eric Berne.
Other Sources
Here are some websites with advice on this subject:
Personal Examples
The litigator. I remember when I went from industry into private practice all the lawyers whatever their discipline were very supportive. Bar one. An IT litigator seemed to think that he was superior in every way and that I could not have the same level of legal knowledge because of my background in-house. I gradually realised that he was like that with others as well and upsetting thought it was at the time learned to get on with my job and ignore this negative behaviour, working around it where necessary. He eventually left the firm.
- Don't take it too personally.
- Think rationally about your and their behaviour.
- Don't be intimidated.
